Starting Over

Screenshot_20170424-230659Is freaking hard! You get sooooo used to life being a certain way when you live it for an extended period of time. Routine, routine, routine! As soon as it gets disrupted, all hell breaks loose. At least for me.

I try to carry on and take care of myself and family by making good decisions but I have doubts about whether or not that’s what I’m actually doing. What am I trying to accomplish and am I taking the right steps toward making it happen?? I feel very lost and confused.

Thank God I have a good support system of friends and family that are helping me. However, a curse haunts me. It’s my inability to let people really get inside my head. All they see is a self-confident, defiant, tough little woman with a will to do whatever she wants in life. It isn’t a lie.

That really is me but there’s a lot of insecurity and fear behind that side of my personality. I panic when I’m left alone with my vision of the future and how it could potentially turn out.

Will I survive? Will I be able to make a good life for me and my kids? Will I find happiness? Will they? What has all this change done to them? Will they be okay? Will I?

Just a few rainy day thoughts (it’s literally raining).

 

Featured post

Be You

They say.

Be yourself

But only if it looks good.

Only if it’s marketable, 

Will society allow you to be original.

Dead

Your body is a blank canvas that I decorate with mine. Together, my love, we’re art. Nothing can stop this rush of emotions, not God, not man, not the stars above. The love we make won’t be unmade. To watch you watch me loving you is the greatest wonder. The other eight weep. Tragic would be the hour, that this could ever cease. Set me free, set me free.. kill me all over again.

Burden in My Hand

I told a friend this morning that, in light of Chris Cornell’s death, I’m in mourning and will be listening to Soundgarden for the remainder of the day. She said that she has no sympathy. She said boohoo, he wasn’t happy with his millions, and went on a rant that I mostly tuned out.

All day, ever since that brief interaction, I’ve been thinking about what makes someone want to kill themself and how the rest of the world responds to those thoughts and actions.

I have felt depressed before but never to the point that I wanted to kill myself. I’ve felt heartache, loss, lack of direction, lack of control, and disappointment in myself, and how drugs can make it better. I’ve known failure, selfishness, bitterness, laziness, anger, isolation, what it means to be different, and how a fake smile masks everything.

Hasn’t everyone felt the majority of that?

Some handle it better than others. Some people can’t even get out of bed today. 

Are we so disconnected from each other that we can’t recognize when people around us are suffering? That when their own thoughts and feelings get to be too much, and they take their own lives, our first response is to criticize them?

Nothing can buy happiness. Not money, not power, not fame, not respect, not friends, not family, not love. Sometimes, not even medication and therapy. 

Instead of talking shit about people who kill themselves, let’s recognize that people are effed up. We’re all dealing with our own problems, in our own way, each with our own unique perspective and emotions. Everyone struggles, and some are losing the fight.

A little empathy goes a long way.

Random Thought 1

I wonder how many people give up what could be the best thing they’ve ever had because society told them it was wrong, or strange, or unnatural. I refuse to be that girl.

Dinosaur Jr.

I don’t know what’s happening in your head. Am I too much for you? I’m scared to get any closer to you out of fear that I’ll give too much away and end up with nothing. I’m so scared right now. 

Are you a black hole? Will you pull me in until all hope of escape is gone and then tear me apart? Is this what that would feel like? 

I’m screamimg inside for answers to the questions that I don’t know how to ask. I want to get lost in you but only if you keep me safe. Will you keep me safe? 

Today opened my eyes to how damaged we both are and how fragile you are. I don’t have a lot of faith in this. It kills me. Dismis something before it begins? 💔

Death Rock

20170111_115910You were a shadow in the night that still haunts me. I opened the doors and invited you in with open arms. You looked like you wanted to stay but you ran instead. Why!? I told you so many things, put trust in you.. Trust that was undeserved. We almost died that night, I think. That’s how it seemed, anyways. That rock had our names on it.

I still look at that rock sometimes. I miss you, even though I hate myself for it. You knew what I went through and still hurt me. How could you? Why did you?

You’re dark. Everything is absorbed by your blackness, yet there’s a fire that burns bright. Your gravity is inescapable, it distorted me and then you spit me out.

Fuck you.

The Bitter Taste

of letting go is sweet like honey dripping from the comb. it hurts the heart but frees the soul. it tears a hole in me but the wound tingles like the touch of love on my skin. what fearful joy is this? i’ve lived in the dark for so long that the light of freedom looks like a trap, like a stranger with candy.

trust takes time, time. time seems a little more kind now that i’ve reclaimed mine. no more security in suffering. no more crying inside four walls. no more dying for the end.

the bitter taste that i knew for so long is finally fading. Behind it leaves a trace of sweetness, the nectar of happiness, an aftertaste of paradise.

Bitter

24:00 Hours

The clock is a little fast

Or maybe a bit slow

Time has shifted here

Now it has nowhere to go

Deep inside, a clock can be found

Tick, tick, tick – tock, no sound

The knob was too tightly wound

I’ll pick the motor up off the ground

Can you feel the hum of my ticking?

Does it vibrate the earth upon which you stand?

Does it sing from the trees like birdsong?

Can you feel the hum that you demand?

It grew dark in this place

Not a sound but a kiss

Not a sight that isn’t dim

Not a touch that isn’t a gift

Only a clock with our time on it

Reading 24:00 hours

Will our time ever come?

I sing the song in my heart

To the rythm of your drum

And keep holding on

Waiting for our time to come.

When Dad is Away…

We’ve been broken up for 9 months. He’s been in jail for 7. Not only was the stability of living with both parents disrupted, they haven’t seen their father since mid-October.

I try really hard to keep in the back of my head what they’re going through right now, but it’s so hard when they act out.

My oldest son (6) has been lying, picking on his siblings, giving me lip, and not listening when told to do or not to do something. Most days it’s mild, but lately it’s getting worse. He’s so freaking smug half the time. He’s still caring and sweet and protective, even respectful, but the attitude is starting to take over. I can’t stand it. I WANT MY SWEET BOY BACK!!

My middle son (5) is still good, he just whines all the time. ALL. THE. TIME! If the smallest thing doesn’t go his way, he freaks. Him and the oldest get along pretty well half the time, the other half they’re fighting like cats and dogs.

The baby is almost 2. He’s a cutie and smart as a whip. I guess that comes from having older siblings. He definitely has a little attitude, though.

My step-daughter is amazing, as usual. She’s polite, creative, funny, kind, and so silly! I know she’s going through a lot. I’ve been mom since she was 1 1/2, she’ll be 10 in 3 months. Ever since her dad went to jail, the kids have been going back and forth between me and his parents. Her birth mom has visitation twice a week. They have after-school activities. I worry that life is going really fast for her and she has little downtime.

I knew that when I left their father, life would be hard. I accepted that I’d have to start over and work really hard to get to a good place. I still understand that and I’m totally fine with it, I just wasn’t ready for the kids being without their dad for x amount of time. 

Hopefully he’ll be out by the end of this year. They need him.

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