Double-edged Sword

Riddle me this.. What is one of the best ways to get close to someone you’re dating? Hint: it’s also one of the fastest ways to ruin everything. Can you guess? The answer is sex.

Getting to know someone before becoming intimate is so crucial in my opinion. I didn’t always feel this way, though. In fact, I didn’t realize how much I needed this philosophy until I had 3 children with the wrong person.

The sex was good but it was practically the only thing we had in common. 8 years and 4 kids later, here we are. Broken-up and wondering what went wrong. I know exactly what it was: too much sex, not enough of everything else.

I must clarify: I am in no way bashing casual sex. If that’s what you’re into, live your life. Lord knows, I’ve had my share. I guess it just comes down to what mentality you’re in. I want to find someone that I can mentally and emotionally connect with before sex gets introduced. I’ve come to appreciate the art of seduction of the mind and heart, then body.

So, how exactly is sex a double-edged sword?

Intimacy, in all it’s forms, is crucial for relationships, and all forms should work together to keep the relationship strong.

Emotional and intellectual intimacy allow you to share feelings and ideas. This is so important for me because I’m emotional and I think a lot. It’s hard for me to open up that part of myself in regular relationships with friends and family, let alone to an intimate partner. I believe this has been the trouble.

Being unable or unwilling to open up, especially in an emotional way, becomes toxic when sex is introduced as the sole source of intimacy. In relationships, sex is meant to bring everything together: feelings of love and tenderness, ideas and dreams that two people share, laughter, physical attraction, security, happiness. Even the not-so-good stuff can be resolved when a couple works in tandem with true intimacy.

When sex becomes the main focus of a relationship, things go downhill fast. There is no solid foundation, no feelings of closeness, no real connections with the people we’re spending our time with, just bonding through sexual pleasure. When we get into relationships like these, it can feel so real and so intense that we think it’s love. It isn’t.

That’s why it usually breaks down. Don’t get me wrong, there are couples who have started out in relationships just for sex that have fallen in love. It happens, it’s just not the majority.

I don’t want that kind of a relationship anymore. I don’t want to be afraid to let someone know the real me, I want to be loved for it. I also don’t want to hide the fact that I’m a weirdo (and I really am!). I want to fly my weird ass flag so that the man who’s just as strange can come and claim me.

I no longer have time for self-consciousness, either. Perfection is the biggest, most damaging illusion in our society. Everything has to be perfect. Even this idea of how I want my next relationship to be. In my head it will be perfect. I know it won’t be.

When I find a man I like, I want to get to know him. I want to share things about myself with him. I want to be excited for him when he succeeds. When I look in his eyes, I want to know what kind of kisser he’ll be. When we talk about music, I want my heart to sing. I want us to surrender to each other. I want to open up bravely. With a spear in one hand, my heart in the other, I want to fight for real love.

With my bare hands, I want to build a fortress that the God’s can’t destroy.

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